Are you a Monster or a Hero ?

My life is a constant struggle between the demons that haunt me  (trust me, they are more than a handful) and the alter ego that torments me. I guess all of us go through that, but we plaster our faces with the proverbial “I am great, how are you doing?” laconic gesture.

When I used to work in some quarters, I hated the dreaded “How are you doing?” inquiry. For one, my immediate response to that would be “what do you care?” but being part of the so called civilized society, I would give the usual humdrum reply. The reply has to be    ” I am doing great!!!”, not “OK” or “Fine” or “getting by”…. because that would be met by an equally rapid fire question to the tune of “what happened?”

I am a human being, I have bad days, I have binge drinking days, I have depressions…. why do I need to keep up with appearances and have to explain myself? but I have to respond, because I have to assimilate with the civilized society. (Remember the line from Star Trek, we are the Borg, you will be assimilated).

Anyways I am digressing (I just had to put it out there). The point is I can be good when my demons are in chains, but I am equally selfish and heartless when I turn them loose. In case you didn’t know, I became a born again christian when I was 12. It was so nice back in those days. I loved reading the bible and praying. The I turned 16 and life changed forever for me. A skin mag there, a harmless look that turned to lust, secrets upon layers of secrets, building a web of lies. Soon I became ashamed of calling myself a christian. I always believed in GOD, but I was ashamed of being a christian. The very thing that was supposed to make me free was holding me back. The guilt did not stop there, I had to have suppressants to mask my guilt. It became a way of life for me.

Now a days, I am more mature (I think), I know that I cannot possible live a sinless life, but I can try to live a blameless life. When I feel torn, all that I can think of is the one prayer Jesus made on the cross “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”. Amid the shame, derision, insults and physical pain that he endured, his prayer was still out of pure love for the humanity  and the image of God that was to be our destiny.

I love the band Skillet because they don’t try to proselytize the crowd, instead their songs are veiled and meant for an audience that has ears and can understand the message

Monster reflects the rage, anguish, frustration and undisciplined desire to rebel against GOD, yet it doesn’t rest well with our soul .


Hero is our yearning and willingness to have someone direct our lives. Our desire to be lead willingly.

I consider the next song to be a description of the continuation to the next stage in a christian’s life. Our struggle with sin but our wholehearted embrace of the abounding grace of Christ.


The songs have lyrics, so that you can get a sense of continuity.

May the peace of God be with you. (this coming from a stupid vile beast, because I am no model to quote against for a sampling of your obscure unfaithful christian)

6 thoughts on “Are you a Monster or a Hero ?

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  1. Ayn Rand, huh??? I am so out on the fence line with this woman. Some things she says makes so much sense, then some of the other kind of makes me have a “twisted face!” 🙂

    You know the more I am reading your post, I think “guilt” is something you have been struggling with for a very long time. I also wonder if you really have a grip on the true identity of yourself?

    What are the things which you truly do or do not believe in? What is it about yourself that you want to let go of, want to keep, and want to change?

    I also see a “people pleaser” somewhat in your writings. This will always lead us to destruction when it goes against the very core of who we are.

    I think until you get some of this figured out, “drama” is going to surround you to a certain degree. I think the “drama” is coming from within yourself. Somewhere amid all of this, I think you need to find “peace” with who you are, what you have done wrong, what you have done right, and who you are not.

    None of us are perfect and I think you are striving way to hard to be perfect. Just be the best you can be and take care of the corner of the world God has given to you. God Bless, SR

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Are you a Counselor by any chance or divinely inspired (not sure).But yes.
      I am a big contradiction… because I grew up in boarding schools and I didn’t really
      have a father figure in my life. When we finally started living together as a family, I never
      felt that my opinion mattered or that I was worthy of respect. So I have a hard time
      making the right decisions. Its very hard for me to tell between what is right and what is
      wrong, When people hurt me, I can’t really tell if it was because of something that I did
      or weather I had the right to fight back. The same goes the otherway too.

      I try too hard to be perfect and I am late bloomer, so I am always late for the party. I am
      finally finding peace and so I wonder if this is part of the grand design. Thanks for asking


      1. Yeah, she is a little “cerebral for me” too! Great way to put it! No, I am not a counselor and have never thought about being one.

        I have been through a lot in life though, sufferings, joys, happiness, and tears. Eventually it all comes together and at times you can see the same mistakes you made in others. When this happens all we can is try to help them through it.

        As far as being “divine inspired,” maybe at times. God has helped me a whole lot in life Thomas. I depend on Him for everything. The first hour of my day is spent with God, every single morning. I do not know, it seems when He is your first priority in life, eventually everything else falls into place. God Bless, SR

        Liked by 1 person

  2. One more thing. I am also pretty down to earth. More of a common sense approach to life instead of everything out of a book. I do not get shook up about a lot of things, but try my best to walk through them. God Bless, SR

    Liked by 1 person

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