Heaven Forbid

True confessions about life
True confessions about life

I have wronged my name
and I feel no shame
I swore myself not to to consume
yet consumption is my bane

For no good reason,
I chose to careen
I am a rabid animal
that deserve s to be maimed

I slipped up  about 2 weeks back. I guess it was the full moon and I added one more day to my list of unaccounted days. I don’t even have a reason for why I did it. I Just did it. I hate myself and I wish I knew what the purpose of my life is. Evidently I am a failure at everything I lay my hands on.

Most people would like to prolong their life as much as possible. I just wish it was over. I feel stone cold, emotionless and guilty. There is a lump in my throat that I cant seem to get rid off. Maybe I am depressed and I probably need some medication, but why bother.  I feel distant from GOD.

The worst part is that I have to plaster a smile on my ace when I walk around. It’s not real, and I feel like a doll, dressed up and ready to go. I don’t have the words to go with that smile, so I am left with the uncomfortable & awkward silence. Even when my kids call on the phone, my heart is morbid, cold and devoid of excitement , from hearing their voice.

I think that one day, I will walk away from everything I have and I will wait for the day to get over and  my pain sedated away.

Why cant I learn from my mistakes?  Why do I keep thinking that this time it will be different.?

5 thoughts on “Heaven Forbid

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  1. Yes, it appears to me that you are struggling with depression. You do not deserve to feel this way or to be hurt or maimed. Christ has taken the burden of your sins and cast them an infinite distance from you (“as far as the east is from the west”). If you are valuable enough for God to rescue you, then you truly are valuable. Please do not dwell on your past mistakes, from which you have been redeemed. Find hope in God (and medication is one gift from God–do whatever you need to do to get through this time). Remember that Peter was crushed when he denied his Lord, not once but thrice, yet Jesus forgave his sin and made him useful for the Kingdom. J.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your pains and sorrows, give them to Jesus
    Cry out to him with all your cares
    The enemy roars about seeking whom he may devour
    Cry out to him in this very hour

    For our healing he was crucified
    and through him we are sanctified
    In his bottle are all our tears
    He takes care of all our fears

    He can turn our sorrows into laughter
    Don’t be disheartened when you falter
    You are his masterpiece
    Don’t let the enemy tell you otherwise

    Seems like you are suffering from depression, you need to be in counseling and take the medications as prescribed…It is no longer I that liveth, but Christ lives in me… We need to cruficy our fleshly desires with Christ and think of his pain when we go thru pain and temptations and wear the armor of god (the word) to come out as victors. Read Psalm 91 for protection daily.

    Hope you get deliverance.


  3. Thank you for sharing. You are a very gifted writer and I could feel your pain and completely relate to it. Sorry for your pain then…. I pray you are feeling much better about everything and you are well. Hugs. Even though your words were about pain and sorrow… they were beautifully said…. thank you again.

    Liked by 1 person

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