I have wronged my name
and I feel no shame
I swore myself not to to consume
yet consumption is my bane
For no good reason,
I chose to careen
I am a rabid animal
that deserve s to be maimed
I slipped up about 2 weeks back. I guess it was the full moon and I added one more day to my list of unaccounted days. I don’t even have a reason for why I did it. I Just did it. I hate myself and I wish I knew what the purpose of my life is. Evidently I am a failure at everything I lay my hands on.
Most people would like to prolong their life as much as possible. I just wish it was over. I feel stone cold, emotionless and guilty. There is a lump in my throat that I cant seem to get rid off. Maybe I am depressed and I probably need some medication, but why bother. I feel distant from GOD.
The worst part is that I have to plaster a smile on my ace when I walk around. It’s not real, and I feel like a doll, dressed up and ready to go. I don’t have the words to go with that smile, so I am left with the uncomfortable & awkward silence. Even when my kids call on the phone, my heart is morbid, cold and devoid of excitement , from hearing their voice.
I think that one day, I will walk away from everything I have and I will wait for the day to get over and my pain sedated away.
Why cant I learn from my mistakes? Why do I keep thinking that this time it will be different.?