When I was young, I was trained to respect myself. Traditionally this would be mean that I would have to be quick on my feet and mind. To be able to respond to people with an equal measure of aggression or more. To be able to show people that you can’t be messed with and if they did they would learn lessons real fast.
If you did’t have any of the above mentioned qualities, you are more likely to be taken advantage of and be disenfranchised. In simple words you are likely a coward or a wimp.
So, this is where my world collides with reality. I am not an aggressive person, neither am I quick on my feet or mind. When a hot head riles me up, I am more likely to be stunt not knowing how to respond. Even when I know that I have been gravely wronged, I am still framing responses, while the other person has accused me, labelled me and assigned me his fair share of punishment and is already on his way.
All my life I have been beating myself up, because of my inability to respond to people in kind. More than the hurt inflicted by another person, I hate myself because of my inability to respond in an equal manner of aggression or hostility. I can’t help myself, because I can’t find a means to release my anger.
Recently something happened and I was extremely mad at the person who hurt me, but even more mad at myself. I just did’t know what to do. Then out of the blue, I heard [Translation: A quick thought flew through my head] the words Jesus said “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of GOD: Mat 5:9”. The words stuck; and a realization followed.
I have had people say that I am a coward, that I can’t stand up for myself. It’s true, but this new realization has prompted me to understand that the real reason I refuse to jump into the fray is because I dislike confrontations. I am trying to find a peaceful means of resolving a situation. It is not something that I have been doing consciously, it was more of a sub conscious decision. Hence my knee jerk reaction has always been to avoid confrontations and find a peaceful solution.
I have now found peace. I will no longer blame myself or be angry again because of my inability to react with aggression because I know I will be called a child of GOD. That was Jesus’ promise.
Hold that thought because, I am now wondering weather I am a peacemaker or a pain avoid-er… hmm m I am lost again…