Pipe Dreams

When you are young, you have big dreams. Dreams that place you on a pedestal where you are the center of the universe. Then you grow up and you realize that little by little they are shredded from your essence. You watch your friends reach places, but no matter what you try, your life is filled with obstacles and stumbling blocks. You try to fast track and take shortcuts only to realize that you went back three times over.

Middle age forces you to reconcile and take stock of your life. You realize by now that dreams are not for everyone and you push forward bravely, not knowing what lies ahead. You are angry, mostly at yourself for all the foolish things you allowed yourself to do. You would think that you would have learned from those mistakes by now, but you haven’t.

You are frustrated; you don’t understand how most people have picture perfect lives. They always do the right things, say the right things and they always make the right decisions. You realize that you are special. You are so special!!! The bad seed that needs to be cast away. You are everywhere, but no one remembers you. You were a wallflower at the party. No one misses you!!!

But it’s OK. You don’t have to be the life of the party. You don’t have to be remembered either. Your lessness teaches you humility. You see through the vanity. Your failure teaches you to re-prioritize, to truly understand the things that really matter in life. You don’t need the latest and greatest to adorn your ego. You may be fragile in the eyes of the world, but you learn to depend. You learn to trust in the things that the eye cant see. Even with your fragmented and perilous character, you still have infinite hope; but it’s not the same hope as before.

You learn to appreciate the lesser things in life. Your eyes become open. It sees the sadness of strangers, the madness in people, whimpers of little children, the loneliness of widows.

A little goes a long way. You want to do a little to ease their lives.

“There is hope”, you say to yourself. You rinse and repeat that mantra.

No one needs to know who you are or what you did. The small relief that you ushered into the least of humanity is your legacy.

“Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40, 45, NIV).


Pedophile Priests  Rewarded In Catholic ” Justice ” System..

 Click the link and prepare for a shock. 


Out of the darkness came the light

blessed are the poor in spirit

blessed are the poor in spirit

The bible is very clear that GOD spoke the universe into existence, but our best scientist have to peel away layers upon layers of theory out of the Pandora’s box to explain away the existence of the universe.But that is not the point of this post, I just happened to think about it.

Each of us have deep secrets stashed away somewhere safe  but it is usually privy to some one in close quarters with you. It could be a parent, your sibling, your wife or even your children. It’s the kind of thing that you are not proud of but you have a compulsion.

In my case it was my alcoholism. My wife knew about it, children were too young to know what it was, though they started to get ideas at the tail end of my addiction. You see the problem with any addiction is that it doesn’t just exist on its own. Usually it comes in pairs or some times with a few other friends. For me it was unaccounted time,having to build lies upon lies to cover your habit and come up with excuses, getting into no good arguments, hallucination’s when I tried to quit, Loss of several jobs and more than anything disrespect from almost everyone ( including your personal friends).

I tried different means to get rid of it, but nothing worked. One day I woke up  and I knew I had to leave the glorious land of the free, the land of opportunities  and dreams. You guessed it, the US of A. So we trudged our way to my homeland India – the land of holy cows.

My wife was an american citizen with an Indian ancestry.  Her Mom is closely related to my mom and her dad is American and has since passed away.  It took  a lot of convincing on my part to get her to move to India. Alas, things didn’t work out as expected. To put it bluntly they left and I was hoodwinked into letting the children go with her. I don’t have any regrets about it… because I think mothers are better at caring for their children.

Somehow the change in scenery worked out for me (in GOD’s will) and I stopped drinking. I come from a fairly respectable family in India and my respect was still intact. My wife and her relatives tried their level best, including intimidation, to get me to go back to USA. But I didn’t care. I valued my new found freedom more than anything else.

A couple of months later my MIL arrives in town from USA. She thought I would beg with her to send my wife back to India. But no such thing happened. She was infuriated and angry and she wanted revenge. So she told the whole community in very clear language about my alcoholic past in USA. All the gory details, the craziness, the institutionalization etc. It was a very depressing experience for me. I was ashamed that everyone knew everything  about me.

Eventually it faded away, in fact I found a new found freedom. Freedom to look anyone in the eye and not be afraid of the skeletons in my closet. For I  had already been judged and frowned upon. It couldn’t  get any deeper. And so my point being out of the darkness into the light.

I am grateful to GOD that I don’t have to lie to anyone about my past. My MIL voluntarily confessed my sins for me (though she did it out of spite). I don’t hate her, It was all orchestrated by GOD to set me completely free from captivity.

But thanks be to God that, though you once were slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were committed. 18 You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. 19 I am speaking in human terms because of the weakness of your flesh. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to escalating wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness.…

Romans 6:18

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery.”

Galatians 5:1

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

2 Corinthians 3:17

Next time some one threatens you about spilling your secrets, be bold and invite him to do so. For there is more freedom in a life without secrets. The shame only lasts for a time, but the freedom lasts for ever.

3 Ways To Fight Distractions During Prayer https://beckielindsey16.com/2016/09/26/3-ways-to-fight-distractions-during-prayer/

Eleven days and counting

Even though I brought patches and nicotine gums, I never tried it out because I was had been at the Divine retreat center.  I guess because I was in the business of praying and listening to speeches, I never really felt the urge to smoke. But since then, every day was a constant struggle. To give in or not to give in…. Just one more and I will never have another drag. A mantra I had been following religiously for the last 25 years.

25 years, can you imagine that… I had been lying to myself that I would quit after one more cigarette. What a scam and what a shame.!!! Because of my stay at the the retreat I finally got a head start this time. At last I was able to tell myself, if I could do it for 5 days, I can do it for one more day and that kept me going. The temptation was irresistible, but thankfully, there was no temptation at work. Its a smoke free zone, by that, I don’t mean   that there is a rule against smoking, its just that the place is filled with  new age health conscious kids. I was the only dinosaur working there with a bad boy image.

After 11 days , I beginning to feel that the demon is slowly but surely loosing the battle and I am getting a firm footing on the upper ground.  57 more days to freedom!!!!