Thrashed my 2 year old nephew


This happened 2 decades back, but it is still in the back of my mind like yesterday. My sister entrusted me to look after her 2 year old son while I was staying with them and attending school. She said she would be out for a few hours. Unfortunately, I took this as an opportunity to watch a skin flick. My nephew wanted some extra attention; he wanted me to hold him. In the heat of the moment my selfishness overcame me. I beat him hard on his thighs a couple of times and locked him in an adjacent room. He continued to cry even louder, So I went back and beat him a couple of times more.

He is currently attending an ivy league university and I am probably one of his favorite uncles. I hate myself for what I did. Sooo much…

To read more confessions visit the shaming room; Unadulterated  and penitent confessions straight from the heart

 

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Depression vs. Guilt


This is something that I have been dwelling  on for a while. I have been ranting about depression. I had even contemplated that I had an addiction to depression. I had some time to reflect and I realized that my first instance or semblance of depression was not depression, instead It was guilt.

Now, I know and recognize the need to treat medical depression, but I wonder how many of us mask our guilt on the guise of depression. I know that a lot of the times I am  depressed because of my sins, but I have programmed myself to call it depression and I medicate my guilt away.

Maybe It’s just me….

I am also wondering if there is a relationship between confessing to a priest (or to GOD) and seeing  a psychiatrist. To me both sounds prescriptive

just thinking loudly…. what do you think?

“Anybody who’s been depressed can tell you that feelings of guilt and self-blame can be overwhelming. In fact, the tendency to blame oneself excessively (and inappropriately) is a key factor in depression. … In depression, excessive self-blame is often accompanied by the equally maladaptive tendency to overgeneralize.”

 Jun 6, 2012: http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2012/06/06/oh-the-guilt-the-neurobiology-of-blaming-yourself-for-everything-when-youre-depressed/

http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/guilt-and-depression.htm

While sin and guilt may contribute to depression, it would be terrible to explain our guilt away as depression. What would happen if we got rid of our guilt completely. Would the world be a better place. I think guilt and depression has a place in our lives. Obviously too much of anything is bad for us.

Confession of our faults is the next thing to innocence-Publilius Syrus

 

An email exchange


I couldn’t contain myself at the last instance of my wife’s email. Let me lay down the context. After repeated attempts to make contact with my children and finally I have been asking her to send me a picture of my kids, several times over, I get this reply and and I became livid with rage and so I replied back with contempt.

email from wife
email from wife

Since the text is small, here is the text version of it

Dear Acha,
As I read your emails I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. You probably already know, but I thought I might share it with you anyhow.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
Please send Mummy my regards.
God bless,
Joge 
My reply to my wife:

Why do you invoke the name of GOD and use scripture as a crutch to justify your actions. These verses,  relates to the people who are suffering for Christ,  not to the people who are suffering the consequences of their unjust actions.

It’s close to a year now…you still haven’t send me even a picture of  my children. Stop being so narcissistic,  Just don’t reply to my mails if you don’t even have the basic human courtesy of honoring the needs of a father.  I need to see at least a picture of my children . What kind of a cruel  being are you ?
“Please send Mummy my regards.” and stop the pretense, Need I send pictures of the bite marks you inflicted on my mom?  And I will never pretend to like your mom, after all that she did/said when she came to India (the last time around). I hope she catches gonorrhea in her throat because I hear she is making another trip to India.
You and your whole ilk are a sham!!!
With  great disdain and pretend regards,
P ( why do  you bother addressing me as Acha, I like people calling me that name if they really love me )

Not exactly a great retort or Christ like , but I just cant stand people who quote the scripture, to justify their actions.

Any advice is welcome!!!!
.
.
.
.
Update: After I wrote this reply, I felt like an immature child…. But I didn’t know what else to tell her. I am not even asking for contact, just a picture of my kids…. Why are people so cruel???

Honest Abe & the penitent sinner


jesus-and-sinner.jpg

The other day I made some candid confessions on my blog, but since then I had to have it redacted, because it infringed on peoples perceptions of reputation. I don’t blog to show off my often prosperous character (Can you believe how ridiculous that sounds?). I blog, because I want to show off how bad I am. I want people to despise me and look down on me. It doesn’t give me any pleasure to be loathed or abhorred by others,  but I like to present myself as the human being that I am, naked and covered in shame. My deeds and my actions not worthy of mention. It’s not that I want the world to accept me as I am. I have gone past well beyond  that. I do not care for recognition, but I would like  to appeal to the people who have failed in life, the ones who are thinking of committing suicide, the parent lamenting the loss of a child, the mother crying out to GOD for the salvation of a lost child. The alcoholics and drug addicts who have lost all hope in life.

I care about them and I want to reach out to the rejects of the  community. I want them to feel acceptable, to know that there is more to life than failure. That GOD loves them especially because they are failures and social rejects. It’s hard to explain, because I have been there and it was extremely hard for me to climb out from the socially backward trenches of misery. Therefore I want people to know that GOD understands what failure means.

Even as I write this article, I know that people look down  and glare at me. They like to describe me a s a wimp, weak and fragile. The one without  a back bone because I got duped by my own wife. I am not ashamed and I stand bold because GOD will lift me up and replenish the years that were lost to the locusts.

Behold Here is Your God!

28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. 29 He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power.

Isaiah 40:29

7 He raises the poor from the dust And lifts the needy from the ash heap, To make them sit with princes, With the princes of His people.…

Psalm 113:7

It is my intention to be absolutely honest about who I am so that people can witness the glory of the living GOD, because I am confident that he will lift me up and I want to be his vassal, so that can reach out to the poor and broken hearted.  I want to be able to relate to them that are desolate and fringed by the notion of inescapable darkness. I would like to pray for them just like the ones who prayed for me in my lonliness

PEACE.BE.WITH.YOU

IMG_2609

 

Divine Retreat Center : Can a priest forgive your sin?


So today was the day 2 (Tuesday) at the Divine retreat center. Today was the day of confession. So basically you recollect all your sins since your last confession and then tell the priest and you get an absolution. On the face of it, it sounds ridiculous, but I decided to take the plunge. Low and behold, I soon realized that It was easier to have a man-o-man confession with GOD. Having to tell someone what you did in secret adds a whole different dimension to the act of confession. It actually made me think through and I sort of teared up in the end. The grand prize was an honest an accurate psychological evaluation of the mental condition of my sin. I have spend 100’s and 1000’s of dollars on stupid psychologist and it never worked out for me. So on the whole it was a real good deal

Let me remind you that this is not my first time to the Divine retreat center. In fact I have come here many times before, often at the compulsion of my Mom or Dad.  But I never felt particularly  moved or influenced and always felt that it was bit of a charade.

The one thing I realize is that every attempt that you make to get to know your maker, makes you a wee bit closer to knowing him. Weather it is by attending a Pentecostal,  baptist, Jacobite or catholic church. I welcome every opportunity to  know my maker.

OK so I am getting a little ahead of myself and must have given you the feeling that I am a saint. Don’t you worry, I am the wolf in the sheep’s clothing.

Before I get off, I heard a very interesting discourse on the relationship between the Ark of the covenant and Jesus. I though the catholic explanation was a little skewed so I dug around…I think  this one gives a good explanation  http://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/ark-covenant/