Listless…


768308

When words have lost their power;
Silence, more meaningful than asseveration
Spellbound to the conflicts of the heart
Staring vacantly into the void

Every utterance mulled over,
Petrified of rousing wrath.
Averse to the sarcasm and scrutiny.
Face downcast, ominous desolation

Exasperation spiraling to impotent rage;
Defenses broken
Helplessly witnessing the erosion –
of all things sacred.

This chasm, unbridgeable;
Veil of uncertainty –
drawn to blind the visage.
Scrimmaging to gain the –
moral high ground.

Slipping and sliding headlong
Drowning into an abyss
Past the event horizon
Hope eviscerated.

–Prashant Thomas

Advertisements

Athazagoraphobia


Athazagoraphobia: Fear of Abandonment

Athazagoraphobia: Fear of Abandonment

OR” leaves me to the predicament that I am in, but much to my chagrin,
I still remain confused to the day those decisions were made. This is for my kids, i.e. if you ever find your way to this blog.

You see, in India back in my day, we couldn’t get a part time job, so every bit of need or luxury that I could afford were met by my parents . Unlike in  America we didn’t have the benefit of getting loans to study through college and beyond (This doesn’t apply anymore) . There were exceptions, but I am talking about regular folk. Affording good education was  an expensive affair in India, and it generally cuts into a big chunk of money that could have been saved otherwise. There is an unspoken rule that the male child would take care of the parents. In my dad’s family, there were three male children. My grandpa taught my dad, my dad educated the brother next in line (the middle one) and he in turn (pay it forward) educated the youngest brother. The youngest brother took care of my grandparents, because he inherits the ancestral property  (i.e. the property where the parents reside.) There is a misconception that women do not get a share of the ancestral property, this is simply not true. Women do get a share of the ancestral property as dowry. The amount of the dowry is usually decided by both of the parents. In an ideal world, its a fair share.

In my case, I was an only son, so by default my parents were my responsibility. I studied in Manipal Engineering College Its by far the most expensive engineering college in India
(Notice I didn’t say the best, although it has given the world its share of CEO’s Rajeev Suri -CEO of Nokia, Satya Nadella- CEO OF Microsoft). Suffice it to say, educating me was an expensive affair for my parents and it was only fair that I would watch over them in their old age.

Enter the US citizen & my wife. She and her relatives had their own set of ideals, which were completely contradictory to every thing that was I was used to (but not so apparent when we got married). You see, their favorite verse in the bible was  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his  wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Eph 5:31, Gen 2:24. They interpreted this to mean that I was responsible for my wife and her parents and they brought this up ever so often. We have had several fights on this little predicament that we had cornered ourselves into.When we got married we were in love and we didn’t have time to think through about the  practicalities.

And so it brewed for 14 years, until my dad got really sick and I had to attend to him. When he passed away, I was pressed with a hard decision i.e.to stay back in India and care for my mom and have my family alongside me. I had the kids attend the same school that I attended. Everything was going fine until the MIL stepped in. She raised her kids as Americans and this didn’t sit well with her (neither with my wife). Predictable there were a lot of  inconveniences for my wife. I guess I took it too lightly and hoped that she would get adjusted eventually. The only other option was to go to US with my mom tagged along with me. But then I shudder to that thought, because last time around, when my parents were visiting me in US, my wife called the  cops on them and complained that my 80 year old father was abusing her. Even the cops had sympathy for my dad,  because he was so fragile; they advised him to go back to India.

So here I am wondering should I go back to US with my family and leave my mom here,
or stay with my mom and let my family go back to US.

I chose the latter. I am still not sure if it was the right decision. I am paying a very hefty
price for that decision, because the kids (you) have been completely cut of from my life.
Do I miss my wife? Yes… but let’s leave it at that.

So, as you grew up, you would have heard a lot of horror stories about me and my family. Some of it, would be about how heartless I was to abandon my family.  I am sorry it had to come to this; I really am… and I miss you and think about you every other minute.

I could have stopped you from going to US and let your mom go back alone, but what’s a mother with out her children, so I erred in her favor.  Maybe some day we’ll see each other on the other side of hell.

abandonment

Weekly Discover Challenge

Breaking Up


o-parents-divorce-facebook

When I saw you step away
I didn’t think it would be permanent
I knew you would want to fly away
but never envisaged your flight to be godsend

Things that we promised each other
The thoughts that we shared
Secrets that were nobodies business,
became the talk of the marketplace

How much, we have fallen
How much have we dismissed each other
The betrayal planned and impenitent
sans guilt or compunction

A word would have been nice
A ta-ta would have been gracious
But you left me with neither
Not even a brief moment with the children

If I had to do it all over again
I would not change a line
my heart will always be yours,
but my conscience will always be mine.

No regrets, no  second thoughts
but for the tantrums & screams
of little feet and fingers
from a distant past.

— Prashant Thomas

Hollow Man


Writing helps me. It overcomes the vacuum that engulf’s my heart by a small degree. But after a period, it comes bouncing back. My dad used to say that people suffer from such maladies because of a lack in prayer life. He may have been right, because I feel so distant from Him. Often times, I find that being distant from people, places and things keeps me detached… I am not sure if that is a good thing, But I find that It’s OK to be detached. To feel the pain of loneliness day by day, helps me to realize that I am still alive. I look forward to the last day of my life, so that I can be finally free. But free from what? If I am to believe in the God of A,I & J that, there is life after death. Perhaps, It’s a life to look forward to, but at the cost of penitence and I am anything but penitent. If I were to believe that this is the only life there is; I would rather snuff it out and go boldly, marching towards blissful ignorance. I wish there was something more to me than this emptiness.
…………….Hollow man; That’s what I am……………